like everything has ended, and has yet to end.

the tons of problems surfacing after everything has ended,

that cropped here and there.

anw grew much closer to the band nearing the final concert day,

cuz of the things that happen,

the numerous jamming sessions and pracs we had,

the talks that we had,

and in the end,

it wasn't that bad after all.

The band was SUPERB.

although halfway through the show, from after happiness that song, they sort of like lost steam, but the ending was still GREAT.

Boris - the drummer

Yin You - the bassist

Ban - the lead guitarist

Ming Yang - the rhythm guitarist

Jeremy - the keyboardist

i love you guys! :D

The last week towards the concert has been really crazy. But there's the realisation of so many many things. Different people having been talking to me about different things.

Khim, the band, jas and yilin, julie, serene, ernest, edmund etc etc. Different people, different issues... Suddenly it dawned on me..

that i don't understand so many things.

it just makes me feel that the entire world is so complex.

that what i see is a facade.

the day itself.

when everything was supposed to end.

it feels surreal.

the emptiness that came.

i just realised suddenly i feel so lost.

looking at the paths laid out in front of me.

and wondering...

which one to go.

yet they all seemed like they are not good paths,

and this crazy path that i have taken all these while,

strewn with numerous deadly obstacles,

seemed more like the path that i should continue taking.

and...

i don't know.

just like what she said. no matter what...

nobody will be able to understand why.

why so long.

why so long.

why...

i don't know why it affects me so much.

even when ernest was cracking lame jokes on the phone,

tears were falling on the other side.

i just don't knw what to say anymore.

because i cun believe i believed.

again.

and again.

i really feel....

damn stupid.

CHUA QINNY!!!

never.

will.

see.

again.

);

真的好想你

just letting them flow.

really devastated.

no that won't be strong enough.

i don't know how to describe this wrenching feeling that i get...

the lost.

the emptiness.

he's just there in front of me.

groaning.

moaning.

in pain.

dont knw.

i don't want to know.

why he suddenly walked to me

and did this.

i wondered if sth's wrong.

bt i daren't ask

i wondered if he's ok.

bt i kept silent.

i was worried.

bt my face was straight.

hiding behind the book, the tears fell.

i think i'm just tired.

thats why i'm crying.

the pathetic tears that fall ever so easily.

kinda kuku.

silly qinny.

she's better.

although i think... we have to be prepared for the worst.

But at least for now, she's ok.

Still alive; still breathing.

Although these few days have been busy like crap. But.... Somehow. i feel like i'm running. from what, i'm not sure. its just this feeling that i get when i have successfully deluded myself. :S then in the end i'm not really sure what is it that i'm running for. but i'll go to all ends to avoid it.

to run.

i don't like the feeling of being compared to... no matter in studies or in music or in anything i do. no 2 people are the same. so how can u just make a horizontal comparison in this manner. Anyway, today my mummy went down to soma, and keith was saying i'm a very good student. Very hardworking and talented.

Made me feel quite touched. because sometimes i really feel like i have no choice but to leave the work to the very last minute. i remembered once keith asked how much time we spent on songwriting. and i felt super guilty cuz my classmates either start work really early like on friday, before wed's class or they spend slightly more time on it. and then usually i only start work on tuesday and its like a mad rush. Sometimes keith just pick on super fine details during songwriting like i used the soh 3 times within 4 bars, and thats too much repetition of the same note and i wonder is it because i didn't put in enough effort to do my work. and i should have started writing earlier so that i can revisit the song and make changes again.

and my mummy looked kinda pleased all this time, its as if she just feel like i'm not cut out for music. and my dad who scolded her for letting me start learning music. my dad who insisted music is just a waste of time. which is why i told myself i just have to work harder to meet her expectations. and i have to be more persistant than others in order to continue doing music.

Most of the time i'm not really a very good student.

Because half the time i am studying. Half the other time i am gefang-ing, the amount of time left to do other things is just... kinda pathetic. Even in school the profs and tutors wonder what on earth do i have that is more important than my studies.

Prolly this was why i nv did live up to the expectations of pq, he always thought i had potential in keyboard, in music. But in the end, whatever i gave him was just kinda disappointing. haha. i guessed i was kinda afraid to touch music again after going into gefang. because i knw i will never have the time that others will have. and i really don't like to disappoint others.

Even though gefang does music stuff, even though i get to harmonise to play the keyboard in gefang. All the time, it just feels like i'm rushing somewhere. productions after productions. Its good because there's a fixed amount of time that i get to work on something, like learning new songs for roadshows, new songs for recitals. Being perfectionist qinny, this really was something important that i learnt, to make do, and just give the best that you can out of whatever you have within the given deadline. Maybe its not the best that you can give in the ideal situation, but when has there been an ideal situation?

Now, i just wanna finish up midi, vivace... and then tracking will start soon.

qinny jiayou! :D